I give...

Alright, prepare yourself for a long one...

He gave the ex his MySpace password because he said, and I quote "She wanted to see the pictures from your birthday party, and your page is private." Yes, I drove to his house. I wasn't mean. A friend called to inform me that I was no longer #1, but quickly moving down the list. I was tired of silence so I hopped in my car and broke the silence. He swore that everything was going to be alright, that we could work through our 'problems'. I say 'problems', because what he says are problems don't seem like it to me. He gave my his MySpace password so I could come home and make the necessary changes and told me he would call me tomorrow. The password didn't work. Either the ex changed it or he lied. He kept telling me that I had nothing to worry about, and I desperately want to believe him, but after coming home and the password not working, I'm not holding my breath.

I deleted my MySpace page. I'm tired of the childish antics. If he doesn't call me tomorrow, it's over. I'm not doing him the courtesy of calling him and telling him either, it's just over. I was in a relationship where I was walked all over and I learned my lesson the hard way by getting my heart stomped on time and time again, I'm not falling for that again. I'm 40 pounds lighter, which is 40 pounds more confident and I intend to use my confidence. I've put the promise ring and watch away. They both remind me of him too much and they hurt.

If you haven't noticed, I'm posting this at 1:20 in the morning because I can't sleep. I believe they call what I'm experiencing 'anxiety'. I sat in the bottom of my shower with the hot water pounding my head for a good 5 minutes, then I filled the tub with scolding hot water and laid there. I'm hurt, my heart hurts and my ego is bruised. I thought what we had was real, but I'm questioning it a lot right now. I don't want to throw the relationship idea completely out the window, because by some miraculous act- everything might be alright. But, I'm kinda doubting my luck right now.

I'm going to be fine. I just have to keep telling myself that and taking deep breaths. I certainly didn't want the new year to start out this way, but I guess I have to remember that bad things are thrown your way sometimes, and how you handle them makes all the difference in the world. It's true! I intend to make something positive out of this situation. While I was laying in bed thinking about this, a million thoughts ran though my head:

- Things could be worse. A local family was flying home in their personal aircraft over the weekend and have difficulties. Everyone in the family died except their 25 year old daughter who was working and not able to join them on their vacation. She's the only surviving member. Her Mom, Dad and 2 younger brothers were killed. I could not imagine.

- A lady I work with is dealing with her 25 year old daughter having Cancer. She sends daily e-mail updates to let us know how she's doing. This young lady has extraordinary faith in God, I pray for her healing.

- Another lady I work with lost her 1 year old son to cancer right before Christmas. The loss of a child is horrifying.

- A 25 year old woman who works in moms building at work committed suicide over the Christmas break. Her family is mourning.

I'm fortunate to be where I am in my life, and I don't intend to let anybody get me off my path. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm a strong woman and I can do this.

I need your prayers right now, and I thank you for all your support,
Ashley