Aggravation & Frustration

Aggravation and frustration seem to describe my life right now. It's not just my life, but the people that I let into it.

First- let me give you an explanation- then I will finish up with some examples. (I've had the entire ride home to brew over this and decided to post).

There are people in my life who cause me to stress because I care for them and worry about their health and safety.

- Josh has cancer and he's putting off treatment due to medical insurance issues. He says he 'won't be able to worry about it when he's dead.' I know he's a big boy and he can worry about himself, but I also know deep down - he is worried about it and he just won't admit it. When I see people fretting over stupid things, my mind wanders to him and thinks about how he is dealing with everyday life trying to act like nothing is wrong. He doesn't want anybody to know. Of course, I've confided in my Mom and she knows not to repeat it.

- A friend that hangs with our 'group' has recently lost his marriage. He didn't think anything was wrong and then his wife up and left him about 3 weeks ago on a Sunday afternoon. It was later discovered that she had a boyfriend. This man is beside himself with depression, guilt and sorrow. Just tonight he said "Man, I don't want to go home. It gets so lonely there." Then he started crying and told me that "It got so close last night. I don't want to do that again." I think he was talking about harming himself and that scares the shit out of me. I just ignored the fact that he made that comment and told him he was more then welcome to crash in my brothers spare room or Sean and Chads sofa bed. I hope he stays with someone tonight.

- Then, there is Sean. He is a user and an abuser. I was ok with doing him favors (ie stopping at the store, fixing his computer, folding his clothes) when he would do me favors (ie pay for dinner and act appreciative). There is a girl here from PA this weekend that is friends with Karrie. I've known her my entire life and I've always thought she was a whore. Come to find out, she's a whore and a thief. She's paying for her gas with her company gas card, she works for the state of NJ as a sign turner. I can't stand people that work the system. Anyway- she has decided that her new "Flavor of the Week" is going to be Sean. They were off standing by my brothers truck talking to another friend, (not doing anything I could have been interrupting) and I was standing in the rain yelling his name and after ignoring me for 10 minutes, he yelled NO. I was so f**king mad- you have no ideal. I asked him to walk to where I was standing so I could pass the word on that I told our friend that he could crash on Sean's sofa bed and so I could enlighten him to the things this friend told me - and I got a NO. Respect is a big thing, and when I can't get some respect- we can't be friends.

These are the sources of my aggravation and frustration. I know I can weed them out of my life - but it's not that easy. Sean- not a problem. I could drop him in a second. In fact, I left his ass there and drove my brothers car home. I won't be answering his calls. He can kiss my ass until he feels like being a friend, and even if he decides he wants to befriend me- I'm done. There will be no more "Ashley will you.....ANYTHING". I'm done. Josh is my crutch when I'm down and I'm his- he can't help he has this sickness and he needs me- and the friend is the same way. I guess I just have to learn how to better deal with it.

One thing that bugs me is people who take their lives for granted. Kiss your parents/kids goodnight, say I love you when you mean it, and don't be afraid to make a mistake- you only live once.

Goodnight