Friend? What friend?

Okay, the post title perfectly describes my attitude about things right now......pissed off!!!

Pam. She's not a friend. More like a 'friend when it's convenient.' This whole me and Duncan not dating thing is apparently too had for her to comprehend.

We all went to Scott and Karries new house to play games and drink tonight. I purposely didn't drink so I could drive home. Duncan was drinking, but he stopped in time so he could drive. Pam and Corey weren't even drinking. We had nothing to worry about as far as anyone being drunk and acting stupid. We were all sitting around the table and about 10:30 they (Pam and husband) get up to leave. Duncan made a comment about them being party poopers and Pam starts spouting off at the mouth......

PAM: I don't even want to hear it. Do you remember my birthday? Y'all didn't even come out. I don't want to hear it. If I wasn't at your birthday, you would have been pissed.

DUNCAN: I think I was sick.

PAM: No, from what I hear it wasn't because you were sick. Apparently it was the one and only night. (She's talking about me and Duncan having sex)

ME: *I look at Duncan, and he's apparently ignoring her* Well, you called us at 10:30 at night, we were in bed.

PAM: Yeah, whatever.

DUNCAN: I don't understand

ME: *Getting up from the table* We're going to end this conversation right here.

Here is what pisses me off, they went to her Moms house for dinner and didn't call us until 10:30 at night. Then she expected us to go to her house which always has the heat set at 60 something and let her annoying ass dog climb all over us. They never have a plan as to what we're going to do for entertainment, it was 2 days before Christmas, and it was 10:30 at night. Because it was that late, regardless of anything else (sex included), we weren't leaving the house. AND....why did she have to bring up the fact that we only had sex once right there at my brothers dining room table with everyone standing there.....and furthermore- why did she have to bring it up at all???

THEN....before they leave after all this happens....my cell phone rings. They're all standing around talking so I go into the bathroom, but leave the door open and talk. I hear her husband grumbling about how I'm probably talking to Michael and how "unbelievable I am" and Pam is chiming right in agreeing with him. Then...here's the icing on the cake...Duncan says "She acts like I care who she talks to, but I don't". I was pissed, they were out there talking about me like I was deaf. HELLO!!! Talk quieter if your gonna talk shit!

Once I got off the phone, I walked into the dining room and sat in my chair. After they left we started playing another card game. Karrie made a comment about me talking on the phone and I told her it was a girl friend of mine who is having man troubles. Then I said "I like how everyone is out here talking about me while I'm on the phone." Duncan said "What do you mean?" and I said "I heard you say that I acted like you cared who I talked to, and I don't believe I do that." He responds with "well, I think you rub it in." Ummm... HELLO! I wasn't talking to Michael, or any man for starters. And second, when Michael does call me, I tell Duncan because I fear that if he finds out about it later he will think I was trying to hide something and get mad at me.

I'm tired of playing this "game" or whatever it is. I like him, a lot. He's a great guy and a wonderful friend. In my opinion, he's trying way to hard to act like he doesn't care that we're not together anymore. I never act like we are together, like we were together, or like we're going to be together. I steer very clear of any relationship talk and I keep everything- including conversation- general. I've adapted the outlook that "If it's meant to be, it will happen." I'm done trying for something I'm not supposed to have, I did that for far to long with Michael. I'm done begging for forgiveness when I've done nothing wrong, so I'm not apologizing for telling him when I talk to or see Michael. I was doing it as a courtesy. He made a big deal out the whole me and Michael situation when we started dating and when we broke up his exact words were "If you go back to him, I don't think I will be able to even be your friend." I loved the friendship that Duncan and I had before we dated, and I just wished that everyone around us would accept that and let us get back to normal, or something close to normal. Every time someone brings up us, its usually Pam, it seems like it sets me back a couple steps. I was having a good time tonight, not worrying about anything- then she has to bring up our sex life and my ex boyfriend. WOW, what a friggin' friend that is.

Okay, blogging is officially therapy. I feel a little better after putting all this into words - even though it might sound more like a rant.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day. Duncan asked me to watch the Super Bowl with him. While we were getting into our cars to leave Scott and Karries house I said to him:

ME: What about tomorrow?
DUNCAN: What about it?
ME: Never mind, I thought you wanted to watch the Super Bowl with me.
DUNCAN: Yeah, your coming over.
ME: I am?
DUNCAN: Yes, you are.

I just smiled, got in my car and left. I don't know what time he wants me to be there, and I think I'm going to "test" him. Karrie and I are going to the mall in the morning, and he already knows that. Kick-off for the Super Bowl is 6:30 or somewhere around there. I'm going to wait as long as I can to show up and see if he calls. Heck, if I get better plans - I might not even show up. I'm feeling like we need some time apart. Sometimes I feel like I get on his nerves, but he won't tell me.

Like today, for instance- we were supposed to go to the mall. When I was leaving his house on Friday night I asked him if he was going to call me when he was ready. He said "No, just come by sometime." He gets off work at 1, and I certainly didn't want to be standing there waiting for him when he got home, so I waited until 3 and headed down there. When I got there he was laying in bed watching a movie. I sat there for about 30 minutes, then I asked when we were going to the mall. He said he didn't want to go because he wanted to save his money and if he went he would spend money. I said "I wish you would call me and tell me these things so I wouldn't drive all the way down here." He never answered me. He confused the hell out of me. Karrie and I are going to Pennsylvania next Friday night through Sunday. I think it will be a welcome break. I love spending time with him, but the more he frustrates me with his mixed signals the madder I get at him. Then, in the back of my mind- I think that he doesn't want me around but he won't tell me that. I mean, he always makes plans to see me....like the Super Bowl. He never asked me to come, he just assumed I was coming . When I told him I wasn't he asked why and I told him that I was never asked. That's when he finally asked me. I don't feel right assuming I'm invited, that will lead to bad things....like him calling me annoying or something. I don't want to be up his butt 24/7.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Hopefully when I wake up in the morning I won't be as grouchy.