Making Decisions.....

I've been in a 'funk', its hard to explain. I'll do my best.

Saturday was the first day I saw Duncan since we broke up. I was home and no one else had arrived yet so it was just the 2 of us. It was a little uncomfortable at first because I didn't know what to say to him or expect from him. The evening was fine and he acted normal. I mentioned cutting my hair one time and he said "She's only doing it because I don't want her to." I smiled, I guess he does care. He got in bed around 12:30 and we just laid there and talked until 3 am.

Sunday was another boring day. We didn't get up until Noon. He went home and I went to my parents house. It was weird saying good bye to him because the urge to hug him goodbye is still there. I ventured over to his house on Sunday evening and we ended up at my parents house playing games and watching TV like old times. We stopped and grocery shopped on the way home, then I headed to my house and jumped in bed.

Yesterday he had to work, but he came straight to my Mom's after work and we ate dinner and walked/jogged 2 miles. I made him really mad and I regret it now. I went and looked at a new car yesterday. We were talking about it at dinner and I said "The salesman said I needed a bigger down payment, I told him I had something I could take to the pawn shop." Of course, I was referring to my promise ring. I could immediately tell he was mad. I didn't think about it before I said it (as usual). While we were walking I brought it up and told him I was only kidding, that I didn't mean to make him mad. He said he didn't think I was kidding and it embarrassed him. We ended up sitting in the parking lot for 2 hours talking last night. I think we've finally come to agreeable terms as far as our friendship goes.

I'm not going to see Duncan again until Thursday. I think that's good. We got into it last night about how when I call his house they never let me talk to him and about how he rarely calls me. I guess you just have to know him to know that he's not really a communicator. He always says "Just stop by", but I hate pulling up in peoples driveways unannounced. I also told him that I don't like leaving things 'open ended' and I would rather have plans. I fear that he's just going to disappear. He keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about, however- he said the same thing when we were in a relationship and look where that got me! We always watch "The OC" together on Thursday nights so I thought nothing of it when I mentioned it to him. He acted like I asked him to do something totally unnatural and I let him know how stupid he sounded. As I was getting in my car to leave last night he non-chantilly told me he wanted me to come over. It went like this:

Him: Are you just going to come by?
Me: What are you talking about?
Him: On Thursday night, just come by and we'll watch "The OC".
Me: Alright, if you want me to.
Him: I do.

I just smiled and put my car in reverse. I'd much rather end a conversation with him on a good note.

Michael called me last night and I talked to him for 2 hours. We talked about relationships, work, school and life in general. We didn't cross that "remember when we dated" line or talk about anything remotely close to it. It was nice just talking to him for a change. Duncan expressed his concern over the fact that when Michael calls my cell phone I just ignore it rather then pick him up and tell him to 'leave me alone'. Duncan said "I don't think you want him to leave you alone." I explained to him that I didn't want to be mean to him, I don't feel its necessary. I figured if I ignored him long enough he would give up. I don't believe I have to worry about him trying to 'weasel' his way back in. I know I won't take that road again.

After I got off the phone with Michael last night I went back through my archives and read from November forward. I like where I was right before Duncan and I started dating. I was content with my life, coming home from work and watching TV by myself, doing laundry and getting homework done. I liked that side of me, and darn it- I'm determined to get back there. I especially liked being in bed by 8:30 or 9 and feeling well rested and ready in the morning. Lately I've been getting to bed so late that mornings are horrible and the days at work drag on. I feel grumpy all the time.

Well, now I have a goal so I'm going to work towards it. I appreciate the comments and well wishes- they mean a lot.
~Ash