A little update....

I don't have anything very exciting to blog about. I am actually in a bit of a rut lately.

First, I think I'm overly sensitive about people and what they think of me. I think it is because I want everyone to like me. Michael sent me a random text message about 30 minutes ago. It went like this:

Him: Hey.

Me: Hey. Where you been? Haven't seen you in a while?

Him: To be honest, the girl I'm trying to get with doesn't really like you. Sorry.

Me: Huh. Didn't know you let things like that get in the way of our friendship. And, I didn't know I had enemies. She must not know me.

Him: Well. She makes me happy and if you can't accept that, that's too bad.

(This is where I get mad)

Me: I didn't say anything nasty. Nobody in your life should see me as a treat, I closed that chapter in my life for good when I realized you were ruining your body with drugs and there are people like Josh who are dying of cancer. You don't realize how lucky you are to be healthy. Frankly, you disgust me with your lack of ambition.

Him: To be honest (I don't have a clue why he thinks he's being honest) I've lost 30 pounds from diet and work. I'm healthier now then for the past 6 years. I don't drink much and for ambition don't even judge me you haven't really known hardly nothing at all about me for the past 2 years and for drugs don't say shit. Yeah I smoked for a little while, its better for you than beer so don't judge before you know the facts.

* Note: I didn't mention anything about loosing weight or drinking. He's a little paranoid, don't you think? Furthermore, since when was beer better for you than drugs???

Me: I know facts. Whats not to know about you? You haven't held a job longer then a couple of months. Who is always there to help you with your resume or help you apply for jobs? As for smoking, you do it more than once in a while, its blatantly obvious. Don't forget I've had a drug abuser for an uncle my whole life, I know the life all to well. You are far to dependant on your parents for someone your age, there is no reason for you to not have a full time job and to be driving junk. Look where Scott is in his life and look where you are, you can't tell me you're proud of yourself.

Him: I haven't gave a damn about the last few jobs thats why I'm trying to figure out what I want to do. I'm not gonna settle for a job that I'll never make over 20 dollars an hour at. I want to enjoy my life and I'm still pretty young, so yeah I'm proud- I figured out what I want from life.

Me: Well, good luck with that. :)

**Notice on his last response he avoided the drug subject all together? And not to put anyone down who doesn't have a degree, but it takes work to make more than 20 dollars an hour without one. We all know that.

Ah, I just wished him luck. What else do you say to someone in denial?

Obviously, I haven't heard anything back from him. What would you say to something like that? What could you say? I'm proud of myself. I think I summed up all my thoughts into a couple lengthy text messages. :)

I don't really know why I'm in such a rut. I have like insomnia, I have a horrible time falling to sleep at night and I never want to get out of bed in the morning because I don't get enough sleep at night. I'm trying to get myself back to happy again, but it's really hard because I'm not talking to Josh and he is the reason why I can't sleep at night.

He is lucky I don't live closer to him, or we would be talking right now. I'm at my wits end with him and I don't know what to do?! I've tried calling, leaving voice mails and sending text messages. I don't want to be annoying, but he knows I care to much to give up on him.

I got a chance to talk to Scott tonight. He said he hung out with him on Friday night and all day Saturday. He didn't say that Josh said anything about me, so that's a good thing. In the past when he was mad at me, he would vent to Scott about it. I asked him how he looked, and he said good. Scott worked with him all day Saturday and he had some pictures on his cell phone of what they were doing. Josh was in some of the pictures. He looked like himself. (I don't know why I think he would look different, other then the fact that sometimes when people are sick and it's wearing on their body they loose their color and look tired all the time).

I just want to know he's OK. I know I would sleep better at night.

~A