I'm here.....

I know, I've been a crappy blogger. Please forgive me!

It's been a whirlwind of emotions over here.

I went to PA the first weekend of July. We had a good conversation on Saturday night. In his mind, he has come to terms with the fact that he is going to die and there is nothing that he can do about it. He has decided not to take treatments and just live everyday like it were his last. He says that making people laugh and having a good time are his new goals. I know, just as you all do- that secretly he hopes he has lots of years left and a wife and some children in his future. Unfortunately, it's not likely if his cancer is terminal. He hasn't said and I don't pry for information. I thought he had told his dad, but according to him only the doctor, him and I know (and now all of you). I think he's bottling up too much inside and it's going to catch up to him.

We cried together on Saturday night. We talked about God and prayers. We talked about loving and believing. Hopefully our conversation gave him some inspiration to do something and not accept it for what it is, but fight it. I hope, I love him too much to watch him suffer.

I can't explain how much this weighs on my heart. This is the most unexplainable emotion I have ever felt. Honestly, I don't blog as much as I used to because I'm consumed with emotion and I don't know where to start. I cry when I think about it, I cry when I talk about it. It hurts me to know that I can't do anymore then what I'm doing. I know he doesn't want to burden me with having to be there for him, but I told him last weekend that I'm always here. No matter how far away I live, I'm always going to be there for him. Having this huge secret on my shoulders weighs heavily on my emotions everyday. I'm glad he told me because I think it's important that he talks to somebody, but at the same time- I wish I had someone other then him that I could talk to about it. I talk to my Mom, but it's not the same- because he doesn't know I told her. I couldn't keep it bottled up inside me.

One thing that he said last weekend, that I can hear him say over and over again in my head was that when he goes to bed at night, he wonders if he's going to wake up in the morning. Sometimes he is in so much pain, he's not sure. On Friday night when he came home I could tell he wasn't feeling good. His skin was very clammy and he wasn't very talkative. The mass is restricting the blood flow to certain parts of his body, so almost everyday he can't fell his left arm for an hour or more. Some days he can't use his legs because he can't feel them so he stays in bed. It breaks my heart.

I just ask that everyone prays for him. I love him a lot and I only want good things for him.

On another note, work has been so crazy. I worked on Sunday night and 12 1/2 hours today. Tomorrow I'm working my 8-5 and going home, no extra hours for this girl. I have to work all day Saturday at another conference we're having. Ugh!

Well, that's all the updating I have time for. I'm ready for bed, tomorrow will be another long day.

~A