What do I fear.....

Fantastagirl asked, I answered.....

I fear losing people I love. Seriously, I have this huge fear of losing people who have made in enormous impact on my life. There is one specific person, and that is Josh. He's sick and he needs to get help, but he's being a man* and refuses.

He has a tendency to worry about things until it gets his stress level so high he can't handle it anymore. A couple months ago he has a seizure while driving down the road and had to call a friend to come get him, when the friend got there it was so bad that they called an ambulance. Apparently when he called the friend he was driving down the highway in his vehicle, towing an excavator on a trailer behind it and lost all the strength in his body and became very flushed. He realized something was wrong and phoned the friend for help and somehow (we will never really know how) got it off the road and stopped. When the friend got there he was in the middle of seizing, couldn't answer and was drooling on himself. This is not the normal behavior of a 23 year old male who has never had a seizure in his life. He was transported by ambulance to the hospital and he spent 3 days there and signed himself out. They couldn't find a reason for the seizure, other then stress. They said he had a mini-stroke and was lucky it wasn't worse. They put him on anti-depressants (which he is very embarrassed about, why??) and told him no alcohol. He has been out of the hospital and doing fine for the last few months.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know why he stresses, but he needs a therapist- he doesn't need to stress out so much. 2006 was a rough year for him personally and it has had a life changing impact on his life that he needs to deal with or there are going to be consequences. He also runs his own business, which in its own right can be stressful at times. He says it's not, but I tend to believe otherwise.

Moving on to this week. He called me on Tuesday night to talk and in the course of conversation I almost always ask him how he is feeling. He said "Oh, alright." I knew this wasn't good so I pressed for more information and it came out. He had another mini stroke and was in the hospital for a total of 1 day last week.

The problem is, he guards his life with iron bars. He doesn't let anyone in on the inside, but me. He will open up to me and cry and talk and he will feel better. That's 90% of the reason he flew me up there in March. It seemed to help him for a while, but apparently he's back to stressing himself out. This time his blood pressure was 200 over something and they put him on blood pressure medicine. On top of it all, he's burning his candle at both ends. A man he knows passed away recently (I'm not sure why), but he owns a huge farm and was in the middle of planting crops. Him and another guy he knows have been spending their afternoons on this farm to get crops planted. So now he's getting up at 5 am to get his business stuff done and working well into the evening to get these crops planted.

He's too good of a guy to be sick like he is. I wish he would slow down and take a vacation and live his life instead of worrying. I can see my self settling down with someone like him one day (maybe even him) but I can't if he's not here. It would just break my heart if something happened to him, he was my 1st boyfriend and he's been my best friend ever since.

* C'mon- we all know men are stubborn when it comes to going to the doctor!

On to another topic to stop my blabbering and keep me from choking up......

My new job is the bomb! :) I was so busy yesterday I didn't even get a chance to take a lunch break. I know, I know...that's not normal- but I was working on a really big project and I just couldn't pry myself away from my desk for an hour.

My brother and his fiance announced their wedding date. It's September 15 of this year. It's also my Pappys birthday. He was so excited when he heard, and he got choked up. My partner (ie. the guy who walks out with me, the groomsman that I'm paired up with) is Josh! :) We're going to look so cute all dressed up!

My Pappy is doing much better. He's in a rehabilitation center and he is supposed to get his false teeth sometime this week. He must get bored because he will call me and just sit on the phone and breathe. I talked to Grammy last night and she said he was really emotional (which is nothing like him) but the doctors say it is because of all he has been through.

Well, that's all for now. I've got so much to do, I shouldn't even been blogging right now. Hopefully I will get a chance to read some blogs and comment today!
~Ashley